America's Next Top Model
Cycle 11 Episode 8

Can we clear the air of something before the recap? Being cold and stiff with no personal charm and being a mouse with quirky body movements are not European personality traits. There are plenty of home grown American girls that are the same way. If you want to piss and moan that Europeans are different, pack it up and haul your skinny butt over the pond and sign up for Europe's Next Top Model, okay?

This episode was full of gay men tonight (in the immortal words of Seinfeld – not that anything is wrong with that) and the girls were almost an afterthought. The Swirl and Twirl twins were on hand to demonstrate to our lovelies how to work a garment. I did appreciate the point they made in that the model is there to sell the garment – not simply to look pretty. The ridiculously flamboyant James St. James was also there to demonstrate the challenge. The object is to show off the clothing while remaining invisible. This was achieved by putting the girls in green suits that appear invisible when shown on television. Personally, I thought they all sucked. Elina won the challenge simply because she had the easiest dress to demonstrate. Marjorie might have been confused with Isis (were she still in the competition) when her dress dropped off her bust. Joslyn got confused and must have thought she was trying out for JB's Gallery of Girls and the rest of the group did the swirl and twirl thing very poorly.

Elina chose Marjorie and Analeigh (the whine sisters) to share in her photo shoot prize. Samantha pouted and thought it was unfair that an atheist got to do a Christmas shoot. I felt like I was transported back to 7th grade with that comment but, as the competition tightens the bitchiness heightens. The cat fight in the kitchen was the usual crapola du jour and Sheena basically tells them to stop using their immigrant status as a crutch. Go girl and set them straight. We've had women from Europe including Natasha, Cycle 8 and Katarzyna, Cycle 10 who didn't suffer under the oppression of their upbringing. If you want to talk about suppression of women lets remember Nenna Cycle 6 and Fatima, Cycle 10 who grew up in Africa where circumcision of women is considered normal. Girls, it wasn't the culture of your youth that put that stick up your butt. You did that all by yourselves.

CoverGirl commercial. Those are always fun! Whitney from Cycle 10 is there to help coach the girls which is odd since her commercial was pretty crummy as I recall. The girls get a teleprompter to help them along which is something new. I guess the producers are tired of seeing the dumb stare and expletives when the model forgets her lines. Analeigh took to the commercial like a duck to water and nailed her lines while looking good. Sheena went a little on the hoochie side but still had a good ad. Then we have the rest. Samantha looked awkward and inexperienced. Marjorie was jerking her head around and wasn't believable. Miss Jay made the comment that she looked like a chicken and I agree. McKey was over made up and looked like a clown, but that wasn't her fault. She was awkward and not smooth but managed better than Elina and Joslyn. Elina was stiff and phony and Joslyn was a hand flicking, winking mess. She was battling a stomach bug, but that didn't make up for that horrible performance.

The CoverGirl in Action this week was none other than Whitney from Cycle 10. It appears to me that she has gained another 20 pounds for these ads, but she looks the same size as she was in the last Cycle in the preview for next week. Maybe she has to appear larger for “full figure” work. She is definitely a print model. She comes off phony as hell in person.

Panel. I thought it was kind of tacky for Tyra to make a big to do over the fact that the girls are headed to Amsterdam before announcing the cut for the day. Nice way to rub salt into the wound of the next cast off. It was a sure thing that Analeigh would be called first since it was discussed in panel that she nailed the Best CoverGirl Commercial Evah! So good in fact, it made Tyra faux-faint. She really was good and those large eyes of hers are a perfect canvas for that gaudy line of shade. Elina and Joslyn face Miss Tyra for the showdown. Elina narrowly edges out Joslyn mainly because she has been holding steady whereas Joslyn has been moving backwards. I would have preferred Joslyn stay and Miss Attitude go, but Elina does deliver better photos.

Next week they're on location in Amsterdam, specifically the red light district. That should be interesting.

Wonder Product of the Day!

Anti Monkey Butt Powder


I did not make this up and this photo has not been shopped. I found this miracle product while looking for a first aid cream at my neighborhood Rite Aid.


My question is: Do you use the powder only after you have developed monkey butt symptoms or can you use it as a preventative to avoid the problem all together?


I should have bought this as a gag Bosses' Day gift, but I wasn't ready to face the unemployment line if he didn't find it funny. I would have loved to have been in the management meeting for this company when they were brainstorming ideas on what to name this stuff. What were the names they ruled out? A few thoughts come to mind like Anti Baboon Buns, Anti Ape Ass, Anti Chimp Cheeks? Well yeah, Anti Monkey Butt is more fun to say.


What you can't see in this crummy photo I took (I took it quick because an employee was already looking at me weird for laughing out loud while standing there staring at the shelves) is the phrase at the bottom of the label that's just inside that red border. It says "Sweat Absorber and Friction Fighter." Okay - absorbing sweat is understandable. Fights friction? If your butt has turned fiery red from whatever or whomever you are rubbing it against you're going to need prescription strength pharamceuticals before you worry about applying your powder, I'm just sayin'.


Perhaps this company is just counting on the word of mouth. How can you not tell everyone you know about something with that name? They got me to laugh with everyone at my office about it as well as blog about it so that's really cheap advertising. I guess they're no Monkey's Uncle after all.

America's Next Top Model
Cycle 11 Episode 6
Original airdate 10/01/08

There sure was a whole lot of nothing going on last night. One ho-hum workshop/challenge and a theme photo shoot that left me bored to tears.

Before we get to the challenge, we get yet another douse of self doubt from our meek little mouse, Marjorie. Analeigh isn't playing along this week. She did well in the last panel and that has given her confidence a needed boost. Marjorie frets whether she doing well or not and this insecurity is wearing thin on some of the girls. Confidence is a necessary tool in the modeling industry and if Marjorie doesn't learn to control her doubts (or at least not voice them) she is going to be packing her suitcase soon. That isn't to say that that over confidence is a virtue. Yes, I'm talking to you Clark, because that character flaw can be equally damaging.

The girls are hauled over to a warehouse where they meet Paulina in an ill fitting, ugly blue dress/suit who warns them that their lives (not as a CoverGirl) will revolve mostly around catalog shoots and the clothes rarely fit. The girls don predictably pink hard hats and construction belts and head upstairs to learn how to fix the clothes to make them fit better. They are led to a rack of uninspiring everyday clothing that appears about 4 times too large and told to make it work. Oddly enough, Paulina doesn't give any suggestions on what to do other than telling the girls to look in their belts and around the room for things they can use. McKey is chosen as the challenge winner even though she could barely walk after her alteration. Her look was accomplished by sticking a water bottle in the waistband to keep the pants up and using a hair clamp and bulldog clip to make the pant legs more form fitting. There was some padding in the bust of her blouse to fill out the top as well. Samantha was chided as the worst repair job for altering the length of the shorts (she rolled them up) and the look of the blouse (used a rubber band to gather the material). At least no one got sent home for coming in last at this challenge.

We transitioned from the challenge right to the photo shoot this week after more looks into the insecurities of young, pretty skinny girls. Joslyn is losing her game and makes a call home to boost her spirits which doesn't appear to help much. A couple of girls try in intervention with Marjorie who just isn't wired like the other girls and thinks is has more to do with her cultural background rather than her belief in herself. Blah, blah, blah...

Since the challenge was so lackluster, I was expecting a really interesting shoot, but I didn't get it. Instead we get a Natural Disaster theme with the girls in 60s fashion. Yawn.

Brian Edwards is a photographer that has been doing work with Cycle 8 winner, Jaslene, and doesn't really say more that two words during the whole show. The set is a miniature city and the girls are supposed to be various natural disasters wreaking havoc on their surroundings. Samantha, Elina and Sheena were the only ones out of the bunch that really understood the concept and what they were supposed to do and gave the best shots of the whole shoot. Others like Clark, McKey, Analeigh and Lauren Brie just coasted on looking pretty and their photos were dull. Joslyn looked worse than last week and Marjorie was so bad Mr J had to get up and put her into position like she was a mannequin.

Panel was uneventful and the photos were selected in this order.

Samantha – She did a great job portraying a tidal wave. She gets her photo displayed in the house for the following week.
Analeigh – She was the Santa Anna wind
McKey – Heat wave
Elina – Earthquake
Marjorie – Traffic Jam
Lauren Brie – Snowstorm
Sheena – Sandstorm
Joslyn – Rockslide – almost gone
Clark – Blackout - goner

Although I agree that Samantha had the best photo of the group, I disagree with the rest of the list. My list would go like this: Samantha, Elina, Sheena, McKey, Analeigh, Lauren Brie, Clark, Joslyn and Marjorie. They stuck Samantha in the bottom two last week for her poor performance during a runway show. Marjorie had to be physically put into position to capture a good shot. If there is any poorer measure of performance for a model than that, I can't think of it.

I think Clark got sent home because Tyra wanted a good smackdown for this episode. Anyone who has watched this show for any length of time probably recognized Clark's cocky remarks as foreshadowing of the final decision. Paulina was backing Marjorie heavily this week. We'll all have to watch to find out if she can pull it together in the weeks to come.

We're down to 8.

America's Next Top Model
Cycle 11 Episode 5

We open this episode with our Denise Richards look alike, Analeigh, feeling the heat. She knows that being in the bottom two twice out of the last 3 eliminations is not a good thing and reflects on her poor performance. Analeigh and Marjorie swim in a pool of self doubt while Hannah refuses to play along.

The next Tyra Mail mentions a gutter in the witty prose and we promptly see the girls get dropped off at a bowling alley. Miss Jay is there busily disinfecting the bowling shoe inspired high heels that will be worn for this runway workshop. Isis is the first out and discovers the lanes are still oiled as she slips, yet quickly recovers. Surprisingly, no one busts their butt. However, Hannah does manage to show the ANTM viewing world that in addition to her lack of social skills she has absolutely no grace on the runway, either. I thought Heather from Cycle 9 owned the title of Worst Walk Ever with her Lurch imitation, but Hannah is far worse than Heather ever was. Is it just me or should someone that goes to all the trouble to apply, suffers through multiple interviews and cuts to make it to ANTM final 14 know how to walk in high heels? Yeah, yeah, yeah – I know – she grew up in the arctic circle but couldn't she break off a couple of icicles and strap them to her mukluks for Pete's sake? Miss Jay makes a couple of smart remarks, but he seems to be seriously off his game. He isn't near as spunky as in Cycles past, but perhaps the fun has run out of this for him.

Back to the house for yet another riveting Tyra Mail which no one deciphers and our contestants ponder over the next challenge. They all know it will require walking due to their last outing and Analeigh takes pity on Hannah and tries to help her runway walk. A bit of improvement can be seen, but this girl hasn't got a chance in the next challenge unless someone falls, which is not out of the realm of possibility with this competition.



The Challenge takes place in a vintage bank with the explanation that this collection exhibits richness and the girls are supposed to be cat burglars. (The only problem with that premise is that the girls looked nothing like cat burglars and a design of a giant credit card on a sweater doesn't really represent “richness,” but it's a nice looking venue.) Miss Jay is waiting to greet them along with a guy that looks like he escaped from The Wiggles sound stage. The man is 5 foot, 0 and looks like he weighs less than 100 pounds. He was dressed in an outfit that could only be described as clownish (in my oh-so-not-couture opinion). Jeremy Scott may be the hottest thing in high fashion, but he can keep his Hefty Bag collection and I'll never miss it.


Three big surprises are in store for the girls today. First , Seventeen magazine editor-in-chief, Ann Shoket arrives with Mr. J to announce that the winner of this challenge along with 2 two other girls will take part in a special photo shoot featuring clothing from Kira Plastinina, a 15 year old Russian fashion whiz kid; second, they are going to have to walk the runway blindfolded ; and third, whomever is deemed the worst goes home right then and there. The stakes are high but the hairdos are even higher as our lovelies get ready to strut their stuff.

Elina is out first in an ugly, dollar bill inspired print dress and manages the challenge well – nothing great, but no disaster, which at this point is a good thing. Most likely the girls have already concluded that Hannah is going home as long as no one does anything stupid. Enter Samantha. While practicing in the back Samantha makes a move that the designer expressly tells her not to do. He does not like how she rucks up the side of the dress when she stops at the end of her walk to pose. (I thought it was a oversized shirt with leggings and perhaps that is what Samantha thought, too, or why else would she purposely draw it up?) Needless to say, Samantha pulls the shirt/dress/sack on the runway and irritates the designer. The collection is a modge-podge of designs that included 2 Cogsworth costumes and a tribute to Carol Burnett. Can't you just imagine what McKey must have been thinking. “Which producer did I piss off to get stuck with the damned curtain rod!?”

The winner, Joslyn, is announced and she picks Sheena and Isis to share in the prize. Hannah, who was almost saved by Samantha, packs her bag and is gone. No one even mentions her departure, but the girl didn't go out of her way to make friends.

The only thing left for this episode is the photo shoot. Mr. J shows up at the ungodly hour of 8:45 a.m. to find the girls still sucking up lint. Jeez, it must be nice to sleep that late! He tells them they won't have to go far, the shoot is being held in the pool at their house. Nigel is the photographer and the trick is for the girls to keep the bottom half of their face submerged because they are interested only in shooting the eyes. McKey, Sheena, Lauren Brie, Samantha, Marjorie and Clark take to it like old pros. Analeigh surprises Nigel by finally looking like a model and strikes an interesting pose. Joslyn tries to drown and explains she can't swim (Joslyn, you don't have to swim - just hold your breath, okay?). Isis is distracted by worrying if her beach balls are going show up for the pool party and Elina just doesn't know what to do. The shoot wraps and we await panel.

Nigel again narrates our Top Models in Action and tells us that Chantal from Cycle 9 is busy working for New Model Management and just finished a KMS Hair Salon Campaign. Whitney bicycles through our weekly CoverGirl ad and is boring as ever. One line that did catch my attention was Whitney proclaiming she is the “next big thing!” Hey, is that a fat girl joke?


Panel opens with only 10 girls since Hannah got pushed off on an ice floe and we are reminded of the prizes. The foul tempered designer is there to guest judge and this time he chose his alma mater's band uniform jacket for the occasion. Here's the order in which the photos were judged.
Clark – Her photo appears as digital art for the next week as a “nanny-nanny-boo-bah” to the rest of the group

Analeigh – nice face, great leg
Lauren Brie – great face and arms
Sheena – dramatic eyes
McKey - nice overall shot
Marjorie - okay
Joslyn – looked scared
Elina - boring
Samantha – almost axed, but great hands and eyes
Isis – buh bye

The only reason Elina wasn't in the bottom two was because of the way Samantha hacked off the designer during the challenge. What appeared to be a mild irritation at the challenge magically developed into dramatic disgust by the time we got to panel. His description of Samantha was “she's a combination of a truck driver and a stripper.” Nice manufactured drama there, Tyra. Personally, I didn't see anything sexy in her walk, she just looked like an inexperienced model trying to draw attention. Boy, did she ever.

Isis got canned because her photos are all boring. Plain and simple. She ran back to the house, put on her tiara and huge white earrings and instantly went from looking a young woman to looking like a drag queen in no time flat.

9 girls remain. Who will be America's Next Top Model?